--============< BARNEYSTEIN TIE-IN TO "THE DAY OF THE BARNEY" >============--

   This is my original work -- big deal. If you haven't read Brian Bull's 
"The Day of the Barney" trilogy, then I suggest you go back and read it. I 
know it's long, but I think it is worth it. Besides, if you don't read it all 
the way through, you won't understand any of what follows... 

(You might not understand it even if you _have_ read the trilogy!)


Chapter One: Convoluted Repercussions of a Transient Eternity
-------------------------------------------------------------

   As the reader may or may not know, when Jeremy Phillips last saw his
rather odd Loved One friend Maca'hzar, he planned to "leave this world and 
travel among the planes," but would "return time and time again, to check on 
[Jeremy] and several others." During Maca'hzar's travels, he discovered many
new things about the structure of the universe. The most important thing
Maca'hzar learned concerned the fact that it is bad writing style to continue
to use a name like Maca'hzar time and time again in a piece of writing, for
it tends to annoy the reader. The second most important thing that Maca'hzar
learned dealt with avoiding the use of trite expressions like 'time and time 
again.' It is hard to concieve that so many of the mysteries of the universe
deal with proper use of English grammar, but it is also mind-boggling to
realize that in most science fiction stories all of the creatures from other
galaxies, dimensions, and star systems seem to understand English well enough
to converse with the average man on the street. At any rate, one of the other
concepts that Maca'hzar picked up on his trek through the cosmos turned out
to be of practical use -- he learned the secret of time travel. Now, time
travel is a dangerous thing to play around with, because you could end up
meeting yourself coming and going. Maca'hzar promised himself that he would
never use the time machine he built into his jewel-encrusted staff unless
there was an actual emergency. 
   Well, one day while walking along a street in the French Quarter during 
Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisiana, Maca'hzar got hit in the head with 
what appeared to be a dead parrot. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that 
it was not a parrot at all, but a cleverly disguised block of wood. After 
making certain that he did not have a concussion, Maca'hzar had a brilliant 
idea -- he would take a trip though Earth's history to America just after 
World War II!
   On the way to his destination, in the few seconds between where he was
coming from and where he was going to, Maca'hzar remembered the Earth legends
of a man by the name of Captain William J. Blazkowicz, known to his friends
as B.J. Blazkowicz. Maca'hzar couldn't help wondering if something could come
out of this trip after all...

Chapter Two: Listen Mac, Just Call me Bill
------------------------------------------

   After resting a bit from his long jorney that took less than two seconds,
Maca'hzar studied his surroundings. He was standing on someone's front lawn.
He knew it was their front lawn because he saw a mailbox in front of him. 
Without thinking, he opened the mailbox and took the single slip of paper out.
On the top of the sheet was written 'Frobozz T.V. Repair.' Reading further,
he found that the company would repair any television set, even ones that
weren't broken, for a paltry sum of 100 zorkmids. Shrugging his shoulders,
Maca'hzar crumpled up the paper and threw it back into the mailbox. Just as
he was about to wander down the street, he noticed the name 'W. Blazkowicz'
printed on the side of the mailbox. "The hidden forces of the universe do
work in strange ways," thought Maca'hzar. 
   Quickly, Maca'hzar strode up to the door and rang the doorbell. A large
man with an even larger gun opened the door and shouted "Yeah!" at Maca'hzar
before he knew what was happening. Maca'hzar asked the man if his name was
B.J. Blazkowicz and if he would please put away the weapon. The man aimed the
gun at Maca'hzar's head and said, "Don't you EVER call me B. J. AGAIN!"
"Just call me Bill, mac" said the man as he lowered the gun and put out his
hand. Maca'hzar nervously stammered "I'm Maca'hzar, and I'm from the future."
"Pleased to meet you Mac," said the man who will be referred to as Bill from
now on. "Why don't ya' come on in, we don't get too many people from the
future round in these parts." Maca'hzar entered the house while wondering if
he didn't get a concussion from that parrot after all...

Chapter Three: A Man With a Plan
--------------------------------       

   After hearing every last detail about Bill's past adventures, Maca'hzar 
was determined to accomplish what he had set out to do -- to convince Bill to
help him destroy Barney before the Great Act of Love could occur. He had 
already set the coordinates on his staff, and was eager to get Bill to the 
year 1999, just before the apocalypse. "All that about Germans and Angels of 
Death is very interesting, but I didn't travel here to get a verbatim account
of your adventures," said Maca'hzar. "How would you feel about killing a huge
purple dinosaur?" 
   "Ohhh... I don't do that sort of thing anymore," said Bill. "After you 
kill a few thousand enemies, somehow the thought of killing more just doesn't
seem as fun..." sighed Bill. 
   "What if I told you that these enemies are unlike any that you have ever 
seen? What if I told you that you would be saving millions of lives by 
slaughtering only a few hundred?" asked Maca'hzar. "Do you think that's 
something you might say any time soon?" asked Bill.
   After relating the history and ultimate demise of Barney to Bill, Maca'hzar
said, "Look, Bill. All you have to do is gun down Barney before he has a 
chance to do the concert in Washington."
   "Umm... perhaps I'm just a bit paranoid, but isn't it a bit dangerous to 
mess about with the time stream? I mean, if Barney is stopped before the 
apocalypse, the Loved Ones will never be created, and you would cease to 
exist, Mac."
   "That's a risk I'm willing to take, Bill. Besides, with my staff, I can 
travel through other dimensions and seperate realities, so, in effect, I live
outside of the normal laws of time and space."
   "Sounds pretty convenient to me," said Bill. "I've always wondered what it
would be like to kill a dinosaur. Didn't know they came in purple, though. So
what kind of opposition will I be up against?"
   "Well, at the point in time that you will be jumping to, Barney has had 
much success in quelling his opposition. Almost all of the other children's 
programs have been cancelled due to ratings, and the few that were not 
cancelled for that reason were cancelled because their main stars have 
dissappeared. Of course, Barney is behind the abductions, but no one has found
enough evidence to charge him with anything. You see, he has a hidden 
stronghold far beneath the Earth in Wyoming."
   "Wyoming! No wonder no one has found him, that's a virtual wasteland!" 
commented Bill.
   "Yes, well, at any rate, I know where the fortress is, and I can set you 
down at the deepest level. Barney, being the twisted barbarian that he is, 
calls this level 'one'. It will be your job to fight your way up to the top 
level, kill Barney, and escape.
   "Doesn't sound to hard. But why can't you just drop me off at level 9 so 
that I can just kill Barney and then return home. I have to be home by 5:00pm
so that I can watch 'Talk Soup' with Greg Kinnear!"
   "That, my dear Bill is an anacronism!" shouted Maca'hzar while pointing his
reptillian finger in Bill's face.
   "No it's NOT! It's an award winning show! You see, I have a friend that 
calls himself the Doctor. He hops about through time like yourself, and on one
occasion (I think it was my birthday), he set up a cable link from my 
television to some cable company in the future. That way I get to watch great
cable shows without having to pay a penny. And I doubt if they will ever find
me back here in the past..."
   "I'm growing weary of this. May I continue, Bill?" asked Maca'hzar. 
"Sure!" said Bill.
   "There is something else you should know about Barney's stronghold -- he is
not alone in there. After killing much of his opposition and imprisoning the 
rest, he came across two potentially useful children. They call themselves 
Beavis and Butthead. Incidentally, Barney doesn't just imprison his enemies, 
he clones them several times and imprisons the originals and the clones. That
way he has the pleasure of watching the agony of his enemies several time 
over. At any rate, Barney easily programmed what little brains the two boys 
had, and they became his perfect little soldiers. Do not hesitate to kill any
of them that stand in your way! Barney must be stopped!"
   "Sure, whatever you say, Mac. By the way, what kind of weapons will I 
have? Didn't you say earlier that Barney was invincible?"
   "Well, he has tough skin, but it's not that tough! You will find a knife, 
a pistol, a semi-automatic machine gun, and a particle-beam laser cannon at 
your disposal."
   "What's a particle-beam laser cannon?" asked Bill. "I'm not sure," said 
Maca'hzar, "but it sounds interesting doesn't it?"
   "Well, that's about all there is to tell," shrugged Maca'hzar. "Sounds like
I have my job cut out for me huh, Mac?" asked Bill. The Loved One nodded 
silently at his strange human companion.

Chapter Four: It's All Up To You!
---------------------------------        

   "Me?!" asks the reader with a shock. "Yes, you!! You schmuck!" retorts the
author. 
   "Didn't think Bill would do it all for you, did you? Now I know you 
probably have better things to do than play the Barneystein patch for 
Wolfenstein 3D -- like play Doom, or write a letter to Greg Kinnear and hope 
it appears on his award winning show (and not in his award winning trash...),
or reboot your computer after Bill Kirby's Wolfedit program locks up after you
try to edit the vswap file for Blake Stone. But, let's face it, you can do all
that later, right? What you really want to do is kill Barney! Admit it!!! So 
stop reading this thing, configure everything you want to configure in the 
lovely, hand-crafted setup program included with the patch, and as that guy in
Space Hulk would say -- "Let the slaughter commence!!!!!"


Disclaimer
----------
   
   This has been a twisted spinoff of "The Day of the Barney" trilogy by
Brian Bull. If you liked it, I'm glad for you. If you didn't like it, go
play the smegging patch! If you incurred brain damage while reading this,
or your computer exploded or something, it is definately not my fault!
   
   There's no accounting for some people's tastes...

Bœ’€K’ëëîR